Regulating Resources to support Resilience

The changing of the seasons, and in particular from summer into fall as kids head back to school, is a time when we need to help ourselves regulate, because our nervous systems may be off-balance for a while. I appreciate the metaphor of a broken circle to describe this disruption, which comes from the ancient Mayan calendar. For a few days each year, the circle of the seasons is broken. The disruption and irregularity of this time leads to a heightened need for regulation in our daily lives. 

The root of the word regulate comes from the Latin noun “regula” meaning “rules” and is ultimately (according to Wikipedia) from the root “reg” meaning “to walk in a straight line.” There is nothing straight about our lives right now! So, the regularity needs to come from our own actions. The saying, “find a way or make a way” fits here. When life circumstances are dysregulating, we need to provide the regulating routines for ourselves. Let’s make a way to feel better during this time of the broken circle.

Regulating Resources* are things that you can do on your own and things you can do with others to help your nervous system feel calmer. With these personalized tools, you can move from a “fight/flight” mobilized place or a “freeze/hide/collapse” place into a more regulated “safe and social” place where you feel capable of managing your inner and your outer experience. You can think of the three basic states of your nervous system as “zones” - the yellow and red zones of fight/flight into freeze/hide/collapse and the green zone of feeling safely connected with yourself and others.

When we know what helps us feel better, we are able to call upon these resources to increase our resilience. It doesn’t mean that life is any less challenging. What it does mean is that we are able to help ourselves respond, rather than react, to what life brings. We can be proactive and responsive to our stress. Having a sense of agency over our circumstances also contributes to a sense of resilience.

Here is how you do it: With a pen and paper, or on your computer or phone, make two lists. On the first list, write down at least ten things that you can do on your own to make yourself feel better when you are feeling stressed, anxious, angry or overwhelmed. On the second list, write down at least ten things that you can do with others that help you feel better. These are your Regulating Resources. 

You can fine-tune your list to specify what activities help you most, depending on your specific mood or stressor at the time. For example, when you are feeling anxious or angry (in the “fight/flight” yellow zone), going for a brisk walk with a friend or doing some strenuous exercise might be helpful. If you are feeling overwhelmed and teetering towards a sense of collapse (in the “freeze/hide/collapse” red zone), then something more gentle can help bring calm, such as a quiet walk on your own or getting a hug from someone you trust. 

Give yourself the opportunity to add to your list over time and really make it your own. I recommend that you pay attention to what makes you feel calm and happy as you are going through your life over the next few weeks, and then jot those things down. Don’t overlook the basics like sleep, food, movement and connecting with others; in fact, these life fundamentals can be our most powerful allies in resetting our nervous system.

Here are some ideas that you can personalize: 

• Being out in nature

• Talking with a friend or loved one

• Moving your body, alone or with others

• Taking a nap and/or getting a good night’s sleep

• Listening to music or making music

• Reading, journaling, creative writing

• Mediating, or simply sitting quietly and noticing your body and breath

• Having a cup of tea or coffee, or a glass of water

• Taking a shower or bath

• Snuggling with a favorite pet, person or pillow

• Saying something kind and encouraging to yourself

And here is a template that you can use to develop your own list of Regulating Resources. 

*Regulating Resources is a term by Deb Dana, LCSW in her work on the Polyvagal Theory of the autonomic nervous system