Parenting and the 8 C's during Covid-19

My 6 year old son came barreling into my therapy session today, looking for a yogurt from the basement fridge.  I felt mortified - I’m trying to create a safe and confidential space for my clients to process their feelings and I get interrupted by this little guy’s desperation for a snack!  Whether it’s a problem with Zoom,  a complaint about another sibling, helping them find a TV show, or providing an endless supply of snacks,  this is what we do!  How do we balance the needs of our children with the demands of our jobs?  How do we strengthen our relationship with our partners when we’re in each other’s space all the time?  And most importantly, how do we take care of ourselves, when we are never alone??

These are questions that I’m certain parents are asking themselves all over the world, as schools continue to be shut and people continue to be working from home.  Most of the time, clients and colleagues are understanding of the “real life” interruptions and adaptations.  But sometimes, we really have to do our jobs, with quiet and concentration, for significant periods of time. The frustration and pressure can really add up and even cause or exacerbate symptoms of anxiety/ depression and trauma.  

It can be helpful to notice how we are doing emotionally by checking in with ourselves physically.  Have I been having chronic headaches?  Do my muscles feel tense and tight?  Are my sleeping and eating habits off kilter - either excessive or reduced?  These are often clues that help us determine how we are doing before our conscious mind connects the dots. 

I also like to think about how I am relating to my partner and children - am I more irritable than usual, snappy at my kids and impatient, or am I generally calm and relaxed with my children?  

Internal Family Systems therapy (the model we use at our practice) teaches that all of us have a Self, a Central Core, a spiritual energy that ideally should guide our lives.  The Self is represented by 8 characteristics or the “8 C’s”.  They are as follows: 

Calm, Creativity, Connection, Courage, Compassion, Clarity, Confidence and Curiosity.   

During these challenging times, I find these 8 C’s more relevant than ever.  When I find myself acting or behaving from a place of confidence, compassion, calm and so on, I feel most centered and alive.  Let me give you some practical examples of using the 8 C’s to guide my actions.  When my children need me and I need to be on a work call, I try to gather compassion for myself (and toward them).  When I’m feeling irritated toward my partner, I try to summon the courage to say something to express my feelings.  When my children complain about being bored,  I try to find a creative project to do with my children.  When I’m feeling isolated, I try to find some connection with my family members.    

These 8 C’s are not lofty goals, but qualities within us that are available at any time.  

These are crazy times.  We need all the strategies we can get to stay strong. Let’s start with a great big dose of compassion.