Confessions of a Reluctant Meditator

I must admit, I am a reluctant meditator. As a person with a naturally active - and sometimes over-active - mind, I much prefer “doing” to “being,” any day of the week. I first started dabbling in meditation in my early 20s, when I heard about it from some friends. I remember sitting in a class, learning a specific type of meditation called “contemplative prayer” in which you use a spiritual word or phrase as a mantra until your mind quiets and becomes still. I was trying desperately to quiet my mind and feel calm and serene, like the other participants seemed to be doing so easily. But instead of enjoying the vast expanse of an empty mind, I couldn’t stop writing a grocery list in my head. I felt like a remedial meditator, and I was ashamed of my lack of focus.

It seemed to me that developing a meditation practice came effortlessly to some people. I heard stories of someone starting to meditate one day and twenty years later they were still at it without a hitch. That is what I aspired to, but I kept faltering, and then feeling not good enough as a meditator, or as a person. I got to the point that the prospect of meditation would make me anxious. This was definitely counter-productive, and kept me away from meditation for quite a while. But then about ten years ago, my perspective about meditation began to shift. I learned about mindfulness meditation and went to some classes and workshops, and even a few retreats. This type of meditation wasn’t about emptying my mind, and it didn’t mean that I was doing it wrong if I had a lot going on inside of my head. I discovered that in mindfulness meditation, I could use my own chatty brain as the cue to return to the present moment, rather than fighting with myself. Instead of striving for an ideal that just wasn’t my style, I began to give myself permission to do my best, one day at a time, and to simply begin again when I “fell off the wagon” and got lost in my thoughts during meditation - or too preoccupied with life to take the time to slow down and meditate at all.

And as a psychotherapist, I work with many people who struggle with busy minds - or worse, with very critical and negative self-talk. Their lives are negatively impacted by the intensity of their internal thought clutter and emotional overwhelm. For some, meditation quickly becomes a routine that they come to rely on, and they learn to trust that the thoughts, emotions, and sensations that they notice while “sitting” are transient and will soon pass. But for others, like my client Sophie*, the benefits of meditation seem to be elusive, or even impossible to achieve. Sophie is a smart, professional woman in her thirties with a partner and two young children, and a very active and anxious mind. When I suggested meditation to her as a way to gain some space from her sometimes intense thoughts and feelings, she said, “I’ve tried that before, and I can’t do it. I can’t quiet my mind.” That was it. She can’t do it. Meditation was not for her, or so she thought.

Meditation Demystified

Too often, we go through our day without being fully aware of our thoughts, feelings or behaviors. But when we move through life mindfully, we develop an awareness of how we are thinking, feeling and acting - and that gives us a lot more choice in how to respond to what life throws at us. Mindfulness meditation, simply put, is “awareness training.” The practice itself is like sitting on a hillside, watching a train go by. You notice each train car but you let them pass by without getting on the “train of thought.” Initially, you might be surprised by the number of train cars (i.e. thoughts, feelings, and perceptions) that pass through your awareness. Although it is inevitable that you will get on some cars and get “lost in thought,” over time you become more adept at letting the cars pass by. You practice not judging the thoughts that occur but instead simply accepting them. Acceptance then begins to permeate your interactions with others as well as your relationship with yourself. Mindfulness helps to create the space in life to give love, attention and time to oneself, and subsequently to others, with greater awareness, acceptance and compassion.

Meditation is not work, it’s love

So what happened with Sophie? After doing many guided meditations with me, she began to get a sense of what it feels like to notice what her body and mind were up to at any particular moment, just by shifting her attention from outside of herself to her “inside space,” as I call it. She learned to trust that she could become aware of her shifting experience simply by choosing to pay attention. We talked about the gift she is giving herself, by paying attention to herself without judgment in this way. My own definition of love is “paying attention,” and mindfulness meditation becomes an act of self-love whenever we choose to take a break from our busy lives and do it. Sophie has reported an improvement in her mood, increased energy, and less reactivity with her kids when they push her buttons. Her mind is still very active whenever she sits down to meditate, but she is receiving the benefits and feeling more confident. My own practice of returning to meditation after a few days - or sometimes weeks - away is a “meta” practice of mindfulness meditation. In the formal practice of mindfulness meditation, we are instructed to return to the breath when we notice that our thoughts, feelings or sensations have distracted us from the present moment. Likewise, I return to my meditation practice when I become aware that my habitual patterns of activity have distracted me from it. I go back to “day one” more often than I would care to admit, but now I do it without self-judgment. I no longer feel like a remedial meditator. I simply keep coming back to it, and to myself, over and over again. I’m worth it. So is Sophie. And so are you.

*the client’s name has been changed to protect confidentiality

The Basics of Mindfulness:

Mindfulness can be considered a form of “awareness training.” Jon Kabat-Zinn , a pioneer in bringing mindfulness to the US, defines mindfulness practice as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Mindfulness practice is not a trance or hypnosis, or even a deep relaxation technique - although relaxation is a benefit of it. Instead, mindfulness is the act of being fully awake and aware of both one’s outside and inside environment, in order to respond to life with more equanimity. Mindfulness is about living in the present. Mindfulness is not simply a method, but a practice - a way of being that takes ongoing effort to develop and refine.

How to practice mindfulness in your life:

There are two types of mindfulness practice:

1. Formal meditation practice - specific techniques to help you keep your focus on the present moment. The most common technique is to focus on your breath and just notice what comes up: thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. During mindfulness meditation practice, you don’t ignore what comes up, but instead to notice them, acknowledge them, and let them pass through your awareness. If you get lost in thought, simply return to the breath. Over and over again. It’s that simple.

2. Informal practice - you simply remind yourself to be in the present moment throughout the day. Any activity can become an occasion for practicing mindfulness: eating, walking, driving, answering the phone, washing dishes, exercising. During the course of your day, you ask yourself from time to time, “Am I fully here now?” or “Am I fully aware now?” Check in with your breathing and your body. You can do any task mindfully. It is a way to enhance your life.