Ask Us Anything about IFS series
Is IFS a regulation tool?
Yes! IFS is an effective regulation tool. “Unblending is regulating” is a phrase that succinctly describes how we use IFS to regulate moods and reactions. This is how we can use IFS as a regulation tool:
In the moment, if we feel ourselves getting activated (for example, we just had a frustrating conversation with a colleague, or we are upset because our partner didn’t do a task they said they would), we can pause and ask ourselves what we are feeling and thinking. We might notice, “I am feeling frustrated. I am thinking about what I want to say to my colleague.” Or, “I am feeling upset because my partner didn’t bring in the trash cans, after I specifically asked if they could and they said yes. I feel let down and irritated. I can feel my chest getting tight. I want to say something but I’m afraid they’ll think I’m being too sensitive. This shouldn’t feel like such a big deal to me. Why am I so upset? And why does this keep happening?”
Then, we can mindfully (in the moment, without judgment) notice those same thoughts and feelings as “parts.” IN the case of feeling frustrated with a colleague, we might say to ourselves, ”okay, so a part of me if feeling frustrated. I feel that in my chest. And my mind is getting pretty active, thinking a lot. I can tell I have an impulse to say or do something.” We might choose to write these parts down on a sticky note, or in our phone, or a journal. 1) Frustrated part. 2) Tightness in chest. 3) Active mind 4) Impulse to act.
In the same way, we can mindfully notice and acknowledge the parts that get activated when our partner lets us down. We might say to ourselves, “Wow, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings coming up here. I feel upset - hmmm, I’m noticing that means that I am feeling both sad and angry at the same time. I feel let down and disappointed - and I can feel that sense of irritation too, in my chest and in my face. My face feels tight. My heart feels tight, too. And then I have this strong self-critical voice in my head that is saying I shouldn’t be so sensitive and I should just get over it. And then I feel confused.”
Again, we might write these down or acknowledge them out loud. Being alone in a car or on a walk or in the shower can all be great places to notice parts. Here’s a possible list of the parts activated by this situation with our partner: 1) upset, which is really both sadness and anger. 2) let down and disappointed. 3) tight in my chest 4) tight in my face. 5) a sensation of strain in my heart. 6) that loud critical voice in my head (wow, I never quite noticed how harsh it can be). 7) the confusion - in my head and my heart.
That is enough to help us begin to regulate. It may not seem like much. But by noticing our parts, we are unblending from them and unblending is regulating. They are not taking over our perspective or making us behave a certain way (that we might regret later). Instead, we are noticing and acknowledging these thoughts, feelings and behaviors. We then have a choice about how to respond.
We might want to take it a step further and ask ourselves, “How do I feel toward these parts?” We phrase it this way specifically because we want to check in with how we are relating to our parts. If we ask ourselves what we think about parts, then we will probably find a “thinking part” that has a lot of opinions about these other parts. Ideally, when we ask “how do we feel towards” a part or parts, we can tap into some Self-Energy. We will talk about Self-energy more in-depth in another post, but for now, just think of it as a benevolent observer who doesn’t have an agenda about how things are inside of us but instead simply notices.
Another way to use IFS as a regulation tool is to use it as a practice for self-awareness. In a journal or on a piece of paper, we can “map our parts” to describe what is present now. Below is an example of a parts map. We might choose to do this on a regular basis like during some quiet time each day or once a week, or after an upsetting or activating situation, or at any time - since.
Using these unblending tools help us to pay attention to our thoughts, feelings, sensations and impulses without judgment. Over time, we can cultivate a mindful awareness of ourselves in a variety of situations, and also practice being kind to ourselves no matter how we are feeling or reacting.
