Living in the In-Between
I am sitting in a public garden. It is a warm, sunny day and people are enjoying one another with their friends and families. It is lovely. I had to carve out this space in my day, and even so I got here two hours later than planned, because I was doing “important things.” Ugh. But - I got here! I took time to journal (one of my favorite activities), to read a few pages of a book (another favorite activity), and to text with a couple of loved ones (yep, fave activity)…and then I began writing. It took longer than I had planned, and I’ll take more time to edit it. But oh, this is so enjoyable. I could have treated this as a stressful task that had to get done by the end of the week. No fun. Instead, I am outside with a good book, my journal, and a blank page where a blog post is about to be written. When I can be in the in-between moments in life, and when I can calm my nervous system enough to allow creativity into this space - something new and unexpected can come.
There is a gap between what we know in the present and what comes in the future. All of life is some sort of “in-between” - but we are often too busy, or too scared, to notice. Our daily tasks are so distracting. And if that isn’t enough to keep us from noticing the gap, then the discomfort is. The uncertainty of the in-between can be so uncomfortable, even unbearable, that we seek out distraction or compulsion to avoid the fear that comes with not-knowing. The pull of other activities during the creative process is a great example - note my slow wind-up to writing as I distracted myself from the anxiety of starting by doing some of my favorite things. (Procrastination disguised as self-care! I’ll take it!)
Identifying the In-Between and what keeps us stuck
The problem is that we all too often miss out on future good things in life because we are avoiding the discomfort of leaning into the unknown that will lead us to these good things. The cycle goes something like this: an idea or a possibility in life is incomplete or unclear (something like a new job, new relationship, creative idea, work project, the act of parenting a small human, etc.). We start to feel anxiety and fear, or insecurity and self-doubt, about the uncertainty and the unknowns of this idea/relationship/project/dream.
Then we have behaviors or thoughts (we can call them “parts”) that seek to protect us from these uncomfortable feelings. These might be ruminating thinking parts, or some convenient distraction. Think: social media scrolling, binge watching, working long hours, being incredibly productive in other ways (suddenly you must fold the laundry!), doing some self-care or favorite activities (not always a bad thing), or repeating unhealthy behaviors that become addictions or compulsions. Procrastination has a starring role in this anxiety-avoidance cycle, too. The upshot is that we find ourselves either stuck in our heads or stuck in a status quo that is not satisfying - and certainly not life-giving.
Good things are coming, if we slow down
There’s another way to do this. We can slow down enough to be in the in-between. To linger in the space between desire and decision, idea and action. We can notice the feelings of fear or frustration or yearning or self-doubt. We can - and should - notice the thoughts, because self-talk matters.
Give it a try. Take a few breaths, and acknowledge your feelings about the in-between situation you are in, whatever it is. Then ask yourself: what do you need, to get from where you are to where you want to go?
Do you need more information?
Do you need to talk with someone?
Do you need to brainstorm ideas?
Do you need to notice your feelings?
Do you need to shift your self-talk?
Do you need to get out of your head and into your body?
What would help you feel empowered and encouraged in this in-between space and get calm enough to discover your next steps?
It can help to ask yourself: What’s the ‘why’? What’s the deeper meaning and personal value of this activity or idea or plan? Stay focused on what is important about what you are trying to accomplish, whether it is a finite task like completing a project for work, or a lifelong project like nurturing an important relationship or living out a commitment to yourself or someone else.
Take Kate, for example. Kate (not her real name) is a client of mine who would like to volunteer now that she has more space in her schedule. She places a strong value on being of service to others, and she wants to live out this value in her life each week. But life has been distracting lately, plus she doesn’t really know how to make this idea of volunteering happen. She has a vague plan of how to get from not-volunteering to volunteering, but it has been easy to let it slip to the back burner. She knows there’s some procrastination too, because she just isn't clear how to make this desire happen.
When I invite Kate to pay close attention to what is going on inside (noticing her thoughts, emotions and sensations), she becomes aware of the in-between feeling of anxiety that comes with not knowing. It’s sort of subtle, so she hasn’t focused on it before now; she’s just noticed a sense of unease about not getting around to this life project. When she slows down enough to identify her idea, connect to her value, notice her sensations, feelings and thoughts, and sit in that in-between place for a little while, she is able to get clear about her next steps. She’ll be making some informational calls and gathering data about what she wants to do with her volunteer time. I look forward to hearing about her progress.
Process of Slowing down
This simple, although not always easy, process of slowing down and noticing the gap between where we are now and what we want to be happening in our lives can lead to life-giving change.
And here’s an example about embracing the creativity of the uncomfortable in-between from my own life. I recently gave a speech at my father’s 50th ordination anniversary. In the days leading up to it, I had a few ideas written down but felt uncertain, which was quickly turning into self-doubt. Stressed, I took myself for a walk in the woods. I acknowledged my nerves, took a few deep breaths, noticed the trees and sky around me, and then slowly spoke out loud what I wanted to say. It came together in a beautiful way. If I had forced myself to write my talk in one sitting, or if I had avoided my discomfort and not planned at all, it wouldn't have gone nearly as well. I had to tolerate the not-knowing before I could know what I truly wanted to say, from an open-hearted place.
Let me end this the same way I ended my speech at my father’s anniversary - by sharing a favorite quote:
“All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well. For there is a force of love in the universe that holds us fast and never lets us go.” (Julian of Norwich)
I believe that even in the in-between we are not alone, and we are fundamentally safe. We can take steps to trust the process and lean into this in-between experience of life. You never know where it will lead you, which is the unbearable and unavoidable truth of being human. You’re always going to be in an in-between moment. So why not learn to enjoy it for the life-giving space that it is?
~ Hetty
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