Traditional masculinity is a part of us

How to be a man in our rapidly changing world

The other day, I was driving my partner to the grocery store when she pointed up ahead and said, “Turn here.” It made sense—she knew the neighborhood we were in much better than I did. Yet, my mind spiraled into anxious thoughts: Why doesn’t she trust me? What would my friends think of me if they saw this? What would my dad think?

 “No, this way,” I said, taking a left instead of a right, even though I didn’t know for sure. Her eyebrows furrowed. I could tell she knew I was wrong. For the rest of the drive, I tried hard to make sure I didn’t look as lost as I actually was. We arrived at the store 10 minutes later than we should have.

This might not sound like much. But it’s not the first time I’ve inauthentically acted like I knew what I was doing. And as a meditation teacher and therapist, I hear similar stories from many men who come to me with issues in their relationships, at work, during sex, and in other areas of their lives. What I tell them is that ideas about what it means to be a “real man” are to blame. Traditional masculine ideals—as the American Psychological Association calls these ideas—include things like avoiding help and putting a “disproportionate emphasis on control and being in positions of power,” especially over women. Yes, being able to take charge and lead other people is a powerful skill for any human, regardless of gender. But not when it takes away another person’s agency. Not when it’s a subtle form of control—which is what I was doing in the car.

Knowing that certain behaviors of mine are harmful—and that I learned them as a boy—has helped me in relationships, with friends, and at work. It’s helped me become closer with my father. It’s also helped me empathize with women in my life, many of whom have been hurt by men unaware of the damaging aspects of their masculinity.

Here’s what I tell clients who come to me looking for advice on how to live a full, authentic life as a man in the 21st century:

What is traditional masculinity?

Let’s start with the basics. Our gender identity is “socialized”—meaning, it was developed when we were children based on expectations from our parents and other adults. This socialization caused us to express ourselves in certain ways versus others. Men typically keep their hair shorter, for example, while women tend to have longer hair.

When we were born, a doctor assigned us a sex based on our body, typically male or female. This impacted how we were treated by adults, whether we were considered a boy or girl. For example, boys are often given Legos and chemistry sets, while girls are often given more feminine toys, like dolls and pink Easy Bake ovens. In fact, toys are now even more gender divided than they were 50 years ago.

It goes far beyond toys. At school, boys are encouraged to compete while girls are urged to collaborate. Teachers often praise boys more than girls, and they give boys more opportunities to expand on their ideas. This socialization continues into adult life. Messages about “being a man” are all around us, in movies, on the news, in politics. Even parents who believe in gender equality can unconsciously reinforce different expectations based on their kid’s gender assigned at birth.

There are signs that things are getting better. More and more parents are raising their kids in gender-neutral ways, allowing them to express their full range of humanity, both masculinity and femininity and everywhere in between. But it’s still the water we’re all swimming in. We rarely notice how much gender norms shape the ways we think about ourselves and others.

 Traditional masculinity is a set of rigid ideas about what traits and behaviors make a “real man.” Researchers generally agree on three core components: 1) Men must act tough, meaning we must be physically strong, cold-hearted, and aggressive, 2) Men must reject anything considered feminine, like showing “soft” emotions or asking for help, 3) Men must dominate others, especially at work and in romantic relationships.

These expectations and behaviors are harmful to everyone—including men. The vast majority of violent crime is committed by men. Most violence against women is committed by current or former intimate partners. While women are diagnosed with depression two to four times as often as men, men die by suicide much more frequently. Men also die due to alcohol-related causes at almost three times as often as women.

What’s really tragic is that traditional masculinity is what keeps many men from getting the help we need. Men are far less likely seek out therapy and other forms of support for mental health issues. Even when we do, we are more likely to underreport symptoms of depression.

Traditional masculinity is just a part of us

The statistics are clear: traditional masculine ideals are harming us men, as well as the people we love. But what can we do about it?

My car story is a perfect low-stakes example of traditional masculinity. I wanted to be in control no matter what, even if it meant making me anxious and annoying my partner. Even if it meant weakening my partner’s trust in me. When my control was challenged, a part of me felt emasculated, like I was less of who I am—less valuable.

And that’s the trick. Traditional masculinity is a part of me—not all of me. It’s not the deepest expression of who I really am—it’s not my true self. Like other boys, I got the message when I was young that people wanted me to always be in control, fully aware of where I was going, a “man with a plan.” This created a little manager in my mind, a part of me that’s afraid that if I’m not in control, no one will like me—especially women. This part is terrified of asking for help—because that would be “soft” and “weak.” And here’s the really heartbreaking thing: It’s also afraid in moments like in the car to bring up any of this to my partner. Rather than talking about my feelings, this part takes over and tells me to stay calm, cool, and collected on the outside even though inside I’m an anxious wreck.

That means this traditional masculine part is actually trying to help and protect me. It doesn’t want me to feel the isolation and loneliness that it thinks I’ll feel if I don’t act “like a man.” It just has extreme ideas about how to do that. Always be in control. Never show emotion. Don’t ask for help. It’s like a kid with cartoon ideas of what it means to be a “real man.”

Seeing traditional masculinity as just a part of us—and not who we are at our core—helps cut down on shame, which is counterproductive when it comes to emotional growth. As meditation teacher and psychologist Tara Brach writes, “The experience of shame—feeling fundamentally deficient—is so excruciating that we will do whatever we can to avoid it.” 

This part is just something to be aware of—not something to be avoided. When we’re aware of it, a little space is created in our body and mind between it and our true self. We can get familiar with it. We can notice more often when it pops up in our relationships, at work, when we’re with family. We can see that its stories about how we “should” be aren’t necessarily helpful—and sometimes harmful. We can talk about it and our emotions more openly, creating even more space, ease, and connection. We can even laugh about it—my partner and I joke about how my inner “knight in shining armor” thinks I always have to be in control to make her happy.  

The ways our world thinks and talks about gender are rapidly changing. Sometimes it can feel like men are getting the short of the end stick—even though we’ve been privileged in many ways for so long. This process of waking up to the rigid ideas we were taught about being a man can give us more flexibility and freedom to adapt. It can help us show up more fully and authentically with the people who matter to us. We can become more of who we really are—less of a cartoon and more a living, breathing, loving human being.